That thing which is the theme of my blog, the humans being inkspots on the canvas of the universe, is completely wrong. It has some truth to it if we limit it to this world only.
What I want to say is hard to say. Difficult concepts. And I am not motivated enough to keep managing this blog. Why should I? What is the point? What is the use?
1st January, 2007 was not only the first day of the new year and the eid, but also the day when Nano got ill for the last time in her life. In the subsequent 17 days, she faded away.
5-1=4
At the time on January 17th, I was in my office doing some test calls. The phone rang, and the only words told to me were: “So come back to home…”
Agony is a different thing, realization is differnt. Agony was there, but unlike most people, I had no realizations about the world, about God, about the harsh stuff of life… There were no new “facts of the world” that were revealed to me.
When someone close to you dies, you suffer two things. One is the sadness, second are sudden harsh realizations. People are unable to differentiate between the two. But my agony was pure sadness. This is how I live. Things that go on in my mind are as depressing as that. And then there are people who think they know me.
Then came China. China made me realise that nobody is strong enough. Nobody is good enough. I felt that I was becoming the person that I never wanted to become. I realised new things about myself. I realized that I had all the potentials to become like everyone else. I was like everyone else.
No shocking scene, no sudden happenings… things rolled on but made me sad deep down.
Now more is happening. More changes. They will accompany more stuff that I would hate. I am sad. What has happened on the God matters is not explainable. Somehow changes are taking place. Definitive and irreversible changes. Changes which I am not bringing. And in a long time, changes for the better.
How I used to think how I was going to be a different person. In last three years, that feeling was crushed to dust. But the feeling is still there nonetheless. In a long time, my mind doesn’t have to say anything. My philosophies seem irrelevent. My lack of emotions has combined with this strange feeling and this might change everything very soon.
