Archive for January, 2008
January 31, 2008
· Filed under About me, Intellectual Talk
The episode from a few days back wasn’t a negation of what I’ve learned in past three to four years. It was a realization that the things I know are not working to solve my problems.
My self resurrection after the bigb were the huge amounts of guilt. The guilt confused me. To avoid confusion, I set out on the journey to realizations. Since realizations didn’t solve the root problem, I didn’t seem to get anywhere.
One thing I’ve learned is that this life is meaningless. That means you find meaning in His will. That is the solution to my problems.
My recent downtimes are not because of a loss of identity, but because of the fact that I haven’t done enough in the real direction…
January 28, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk
Today someone told me not to think about things in as much depth as I do. He said that these thoughts are useless for me or anyone else.
This made me think how different my life has become in past three to four years. People stay up at night because they want something, a gadget, a girl, a car whatever. I am worried because I am not satisfied with the way I am handling my thought related matters. I complain to myself about not being able to take actions required to set things straight in my life.
I think I need to concentrate on the “way I think” rather than “what I think”. I realize that after the big bang, my way of thinking was quite normal. As the series of unfortunate events flashed by, my attitude turned cold, till the point where I didn’t want anything anymore. Since I was totally worked up mentally, I couldn’t actually do something which would change things. Everything became stagnant. Depression elevated… till the breaking point.
Where I stand now is a totally isolated place. The only thing which went right was me being honest about everything. I didn’t try to fool myself or anyone else. This is the only thing which stands out…
Just as I reached a conclusion a long time ago, that logic is not the answer to my problems, today I find my philosophies nothing but a load of very aesthetic bullshit. They don’t help me get anywhere.
And I stopped living for them…
I resurrected myself about that first tasarruf that I stopped feeling different tastes of life. Things are going to change now…
And I am not going to delude myself into believing that I want a life again. Its still going to mean something every moment of it. Because my actions would not be random!
January 27, 2008
· Filed under Intellectual Talk
A writer has to define his boundaries. If there are no boundaries, everything would be haphazard and there would be no conclusion. Everything in the world has deeper meanings. If there are no boundaries, a writer would never be able to complete what he started off.
Words can describe logic. Logic cannot explain all there is. When wijdan swifts by, words are stunned!
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PS: This post is inspired by various excellent blogs that I read… My writing sucks… 
January 24, 2008
· Filed under Intellectual Talk
Only a person who has a sense of God’s way of justice can keep a balance in his life. Intrinsic characteristics of each person have a role in ensuring justice for that person.
January 24, 2008
· Filed under About me, Beyond this World
And I expect it to be a smooth journey? I expect to be loved by this world? How cowardly is that? Mine is a rocky road. It takes you away from things of this world. Why do I want to be loved? People like me get laughed at, we are not loved! Its written in loh-o-qalam. The only fortune of the traveler is the rocky road ahead, the infinite rocky road… and I thought I had a beautiful stop? That is so lame! Its the road and me, and the never ending journey. Forget about these things Jaffar Hussain. Somethings are simply not for you…
Yeh zindagi din hai, aur hum uss mein roza-dar…
January 23, 2008
· Filed under A Day Flashes By...
tree of life says:
what’s up?
Friend says:
office .. and home
tree of life says:
happy?
Friend says:
yes
never been happier
tree of life says:
how come?
Friend says:
i refuse to share my personal life with you anymore
tree of life says:
if I say “as u wish”, that wud imply that I don’t care.
if I insist on you telling me, that wud make me look cheap
what do I do then?
Friend says:
thankyou for being So understanding
January 22, 2008
· Filed under Stupidity!
The other day, I rubbed my hands together, and found that my right hand was colder than the left one. Since the sensation of coldness on the left hand is equivalent to the sensation of heat on the right hand, I can say that my pleasure was equivalent to my dismay. The overall reaction should have been neutral.
Humans don’t act that way. I felt coldness more than the heat. Maybe this is how pessimism should be defined. 
January 21, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Literary or Litterary?
I am honest. I am unhappy. I am the keeper of those secrets which are supposed to be hidden behind the clouds. Being me is tough. And what I get in return? Your woe for me! I loose in this world. I loose in your court. But I don’t complaint, because I know you do justice. Its not something I need to experience. I simply know that you do justice. I realize whats good in my life, and I recognize it as your grace. I realize what I do wrong. I know it when I do it, and I accept it as my mistake, for I know what really is this world that you created. You are the One who knows. My life is perfect, but I’m not happy. Is there any perfectness that can replace happiness of a human heart? But then, there is your justice. I feel sad, but I know that you do justice. What do I do now? All the good things in life are those you are going to take away one day. Others never realize what they had in their lives till the time they loose it. I see whats good in my life and I see it getting out of my hands. Then there is your justice. Bright light blinds me all the time. There is your justice. And then you are displeased. Thats your justice, and in your hands, I commend my spirit.
January 17, 2008
· Filed under Beyond this World, Intellectual Talk
Uncle Latif is a gardener who works on the flower beds in my house. When I look at his life, I’m awed. If there is anything like a perfect life, this guy is living it!
He is a gardener. He lives in the Lawrence garden employee quarters. His quarter is haunted by three churails. Sometimes, one of the churails take over his brother’s wife, so he beats up the poor lady. He is very strong and he can beat up any guy. All other gardeners and security guards in the Lawrence garden fear him. They call him Latif Jagga. He has a special place among the gardeners because he drives the garden tractor. He treated a friend with 2 kg chicken karahi so that he would teach him how to drive the tractor. He had 4-5 kids. (I always seem to have lost the count of them) His kids want a PC. He cannot buy one. He has a grudge against one of our tenants because he throws orange peel in the flower beds. One day, he picked up all the orange peel and made a heap of it in front of the tenant’s room. The tenant threatened him that he will bring guys to beat him up. Uncle Latif thinks he can beat up all the guys summoned against him. Our tenant calls Uncle Latif “Malik sahab ka chaheeta“. Uncle Latif is not very religious. Sometime he prays, most of the times he doesn’t. He frequents at Turt Peer’s tomb.
Uncle Latif doesn’t give a damn about the world. He doesn’t give a damn about philosophies. He knows there is a God. He knows one day he will die and he will have to face God. So he must do good. SO he wakes up in the morning, puts his hand down in the dirt, serves the plants, threaten a few guys to death, and when he is tired enough, he goes to sleep.
His life is perfect.
I have come to a conclusion. If one comes to define a perfect life in terms of philosophy or in terms of religion or in terms of spirituality, it comes down to a plain man living in a remote country location who believes in God and doesn’t think a lot. Uncle Latif is already doing things which I only plan to do one day in life. He is living life as my mind boggling philosophies tell me how to live. He reminds me of the sheep of Banu-Israel. He reminds me of Ben-Hur, the one who believed without asking too many questions. I make fun of religious people, who think they have it all figured out. I have made such people loose their faith because of my devious questions. But I cannot, in a thousand years time, even think of being able to shake Uncle Latif’s beliefs!
January 16, 2008
· Filed under Intellectual Talk
Life is like a game of solitaire. Even after making all the right moves, success cannot be ensured. You stumble upon some hidden cards everytime. It doesn’t take logic but intuition to win the game.
January 15, 2008
· Filed under About me, I Do
I can only imagine being in a relationship of a saw and a file. After some time, the saw will smooth out, but file would still be the same. Of course, I would like myself to be the file.
January 12, 2008
· Filed under About me, Beyond this World
I don’t have anything to write anymore. I have reached a point where the intellect gives way to heart. I was an atheist at a time. I kept thinking, not being dishonest or delusional. Slowly, all my thoughts came to be in sync with the nature. Hence intellect has become trivial. Words describe logic. Logic doesn’t explain all there is. And logic has come to its conclusions.
January 10, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk, My Perfect World
I don’t write about things which happen in my life. I theorize my experiences and draw conclusions. Keeping everything organized is almost compulsive. Its this organization thing which made me slip away from everything, this world and myself a few years ago. In order to put everything back into order, I had to go through the toughest journey of my life.
When I look back, I wasn’t exactly atheist at any point after the big bang. I realized shortly after that there was a string puller. (I used the nick ‘million strings attached’ in counter-strike for a long time) It started with the theory of a limitless number of strings attached to a human, which define his limitations. The problem of jabr-o-qadr can be related to it. With the concept of string puller being their, I was no longer of an atheist attitude. A few months were spent in absolute confusion. I wasn’t sure how to behave, what to think about myself. How could I think about God? I started to work logically. I did stuff, and I expected results. I couldn’t do stuff, I couldn’t get results. Even when I did stuff, I couldn’t get results. There was a divine factor working against my will. I wanted to get results in His will, but His will didn’t want that to happen. That should have been enough to tell me my limitations. But its sad that a human is stubborn. After that, I was faced with another event in my life which yet showed another fact of this life: I wasn’t strong enough, and I loved things in the world. This disturbed me even more. Then faced even more loss, the probation came along… The fall came, and there was the scape goat event and the mind crushing natural disasters. I became a patient of panic and anxiety attacks. Then came 2006 and brought some peace with it. It has taken me two years to come to where I stand now. There was not a single moment in the past 3.5 years when I was not thing about death and going down in a grave. I was honest to myself. I hope I would be honest even after the magic pill… But then, I know the way to go, and I know that mind activity to determine big things is useless. But then, my thoughts came to be in synchronization with the nature. and that is the result of 3.5 years long hardship. But I survived, and at the end, it doesn’t look bad…
January 10, 2008
· Filed under About me
Recently, my attitude with my blog has been disgusting. I started this blog because I needed to organize my thoughts. So I started writing every thing down. Now I am writing more for the sake of visitors. I think the time when my blog had only 2-3 visits each day were a lot better. I used to be honest! And I never felt obliged to write or any shit like that. I must go back to that.
January 10, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk
I have been taking a pill for some time. Its for the mind breaking, soul crushing thoughts that go on in my mind. The thoughts which are my most prized possession, thoughts which make me who I am. But this pill takes these thoughts away from me. I don’t feel sad anymore. I don’t have panic attacks anymore. I feel so shallow. Yes, I want to be happy. But is there a another pill to take away the guilt for taking the first pill?
I feel ignorant. At this very moment, as I look at myself, I see a person without a culture. I am having fun, true! But I’m not used to feel like this most of the time. I have to feel deep, and I must not be depressed. Realities depress you.
I deserve happiness… Happiness is a feeling which I became totally unaware of in past 3.5 years. These 3.5 years have made me what I am today. Yesterday was a very strange day, when I actually wanted to eat something. I feel strange when I wake up in the middle of the night and all the dispirited thoughts don’t flash by. Its a different world now, where I don’t say: One day its all going to be over. I have been living dead for past years, and living is not my thing anymore.
Before the pill days, I used to look at Uncle Latif (will write more about him soon) and wonder if that was the best life one could have. Of course it is. A life without worries, small problems, huge characters! So why do I need to live with all the thoughts. What is the use of philosophies when you are one day going to die and your philosophies will fade in the thin air.
I feel so useless and helpless when I realize that all my larger than life thoughts can be dissolved by a small puissant pill. We are so damned bound by our humanly limitations. And mind processes are definitely not the way out. Its pure craziness which leads you toward freedom.
January 8, 2008
· Filed under A Day Flashes By..., My Perfect World, Stupidity!, Wit Reincarnated
According to Mushtaq Ahmad Yousufi, Indian pedestrians would give way to the cycle rikshas and not to the cars. The anti-entitlement behavior can be seen here as well:
This guy has a green plate saying “Aam Shehri” (Common Citizen)
And this one says “Mein kuch nahin hoon” (I am nothing)
Then of course the poetic ones are there, in this case in its own good:
“Aai hoon Japan se, shehzor mera naam hai. Driver ho dil wala, bhagna mera kaam hai“
Then the reformists:
“Zameen kha gai aasman kese kese. Ye dunya dil lagne ki jaga nahin, ibrat ki jaga hai, tamasha nahin hai“
This last one has a little story to it. I parked my car at a place where some vip bullshit was gonna fly by, so the lifter was taking away my car. I threatened the police wala to do very bad to him if he didn’t stop that. Taking a pic of his number plate was one of my intimidating tactics. It didn’t work.
There is nothing wrong with this guy’s number plate.
PS: If you are wondering that this post has an idiotic title, well it is. Those who have seen Comedy Central roast of William Shatner will recall Adam Corolla doing this line like “Space Humor! Hahahahaha!!!”
January 7, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk
Children are taught how and what to do. They are also taught how and what to feel. I was not taught any of that. I was taught how to think. What to think was left up to me. My parents did a great job.
So here I am, free of all stereotypes. This is a difficult way to live however. Things which are supposed to be clouded by random thoughts come exposed and pierce through my eyes. For a moment, I am left speechless, sightless and numb. Then I choose to look away. But looking away is being a coward. I must look directly towards the sun.
My internal fight is whether to look or not towards the bright light which goes through you and burn you, turning you into gold. At one hand, gold looks charming. But then, God has His way of justice and He is good to coal bags too. So whats the point in turning into gold?
I cannot be gold, and I cannot be a coal bag. (Na mein moosa na firoan…) This is the dilemma which I talk about so often.
Someone asked me recently why there was so much emphasis on the word “crazy” in my about box. This is the answer.
January 6, 2008
· Filed under Intellectual Talk
When we say we believe in God, do we mean we believe in a being? Or do we mean we believe in the concept?
People who think extremely logically tend to first believe in the concept, and then they get to the being Himself. Emotional people however tend to believe in the being at the first place.
To all my readers: Do you believe in God or the concept of God?
January 2, 2008
· Filed under About me
I tend to repel people I don’t like.
January 2, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology
I am badly nostalgic for a past which I never experienced for myself.
