Archive for Abnormal Psychology
June 28, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Beyond this World, Intellectual Talk
“Logic is human creation”, I thought “It is limited and cannot be trusted. A man must give up to His ways.” “I should stop being no analytical, and be more impulsive.” I concluded.
That is what I said in this post. Ofcourse humans make mistakes and reach inaccurate conclusions.
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Human mind is machine with an input and output system. The outputs are our emotions, decisions, conclusions, action plans etc. Outputs are pretty straight forward. Its the inputs which are complicated. We think that things we see in the world, our experiences, information and knowledge are the inputs. I don’t think so. I think our observations are in a way just a process of the machine itself. The inputs are very concealed.
Have you ever wondered when some idea comes to your mind, and you think why the idea didn’t come to you before? Many times we relate the ideas to our experiences in life, but I have had ideas which just came without any connection with my conscious.
These random ideas trigger processes in our mind which result in our emotions and conclusions. Are these random ideas really random? I think not. As I’ve said before, I think every thing He does is well calculated and planned.
The input to our mind are ideas given by Him. If it was not so, everybody in the world would become identical to each other! Its the variety of ideas which make everyone different.
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When my ideas and my mind are His creations, how can I say that my logical conclusions are my creations? I reach all my conclusions because He wants me to reach those conclusions. So how can I simply trash my logic?
Yes, this does raise the confusing question of “who am I?” And I have no answer to that.
For a very long time, “how to live” has been a riddle in my mind. But now I am giving up this riddle. I choose to be logical, then I choose to be impulsive. But really, I don’t know the complete picture. New things keep coming up.
We should just live. Sometimes we are going to do things logically, sometimes we are just going to go by gut. We should just let ourselves be, set ourselves free. And we must do the right thing when we come to the crossroads. When I come to the crossroads in my life, I stop and think, “Is this description of right thing logical or impulsive?” No damnit! Don’t think like that! The fact is that you always know what the right thing is. Just do it.
I have just realized that in the past, I couldn’t concentrate on doing the right thing because I was so preoccupied with all these philosophical questions. I simply didn’t have a clear head for such a long time. Anyway, it was what He wanted. I guess there is no use in regretting what has happened already.
March 13, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk
Have you heard of a person who begged himself for forgiveness? I have resurrected myself for my mistakes in ways that I’m sure even God wouldn’t. Now I fear myself more than I fear God. :s
I should learn to forgive myself, to let myself go free and flying.
Note: I read this entry again today, and I realized that I was wrong in making a distinction between my own resurrection and God’s ressurection. The way a human’s mistakes eat him up from the inside is resurrection inflicted upon him by God. This leads to a herectic definition of the concept of heaven and hell. (November 4, 2008)
March 2, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, Forensic Psychology, Intellectual Talk, My Perfect World
May be you do realize the problems better when you are desperate. But the solution doesn’t lay in desperate measures. One needs to be over and above the depression to set things right.
Sometimes, the depression itself is the biggest obsession we have.
Note: This was a phenomenal post. The words above proposes the ultimate self improvement method. The rule has implications in correcting not only depression, but all psychological troubles. The root cause of all sadness can be related to a human’s obsession with an idea. Handling the idea at an intellectual level is not the solution, but being indifferent from the whole idea itself leads to freedom. (November 4, 2008)
January 28, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk
Today someone told me not to think about things in as much depth as I do. He said that these thoughts are useless for me or anyone else.
This made me think how different my life has become in past three to four years. People stay up at night because they want something, a gadget, a girl, a car whatever. I am worried because I am not satisfied with the way I am handling my thought related matters. I complain to myself about not being able to take actions required to set things straight in my life.
I think I need to concentrate on the “way I think” rather than “what I think”. I realize that after the big bang, my way of thinking was quite normal. As the series of unfortunate events flashed by, my attitude turned cold, till the point where I didn’t want anything anymore. Since I was totally worked up mentally, I couldn’t actually do something which would change things. Everything became stagnant. Depression elevated… till the breaking point.
Where I stand now is a totally isolated place. The only thing which went right was me being honest about everything. I didn’t try to fool myself or anyone else. This is the only thing which stands out…
Just as I reached a conclusion a long time ago, that logic is not the answer to my problems, today I find my philosophies nothing but a load of very aesthetic bullshit. They don’t help me get anywhere.
And I stopped living for them…
I resurrected myself about that first tasarruf that I stopped feeling different tastes of life. Things are going to change now…
And I am not going to delude myself into believing that I want a life again. Its still going to mean something every moment of it. Because my actions would not be random!
January 21, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Literary or Litterary?
I am honest. I am unhappy. I am the keeper of those secrets which are supposed to be hidden behind the clouds. Being me is tough. And what I get in return? Your woe for me! I loose in this world. I loose in your court. But I don’t complaint, because I know you do justice. Its not something I need to experience. I simply know that you do justice. I realize whats good in my life, and I recognize it as your grace. I realize what I do wrong. I know it when I do it, and I accept it as my mistake, for I know what really is this world that you created. You are the One who knows. My life is perfect, but I’m not happy. Is there any perfectness that can replace happiness of a human heart? But then, there is your justice. I feel sad, but I know that you do justice. What do I do now? All the good things in life are those you are going to take away one day. Others never realize what they had in their lives till the time they loose it. I see whats good in my life and I see it getting out of my hands. Then there is your justice. Bright light blinds me all the time. There is your justice. And then you are displeased. Thats your justice, and in your hands, I commend my spirit.
January 10, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk, My Perfect World
I don’t write about things which happen in my life. I theorize my experiences and draw conclusions. Keeping everything organized is almost compulsive. Its this organization thing which made me slip away from everything, this world and myself a few years ago. In order to put everything back into order, I had to go through the toughest journey of my life.
When I look back, I wasn’t exactly atheist at any point after the big bang. I realized shortly after that there was a string puller. (I used the nick ‘million strings attached’ in counter-strike for a long time) It started with the theory of a limitless number of strings attached to a human, which define his limitations. The problem of jabr-o-qadr can be related to it. With the concept of string puller being their, I was no longer of an atheist attitude. A few months were spent in absolute confusion. I wasn’t sure how to behave, what to think about myself. How could I think about God? I started to work logically. I did stuff, and I expected results. I couldn’t do stuff, I couldn’t get results. Even when I did stuff, I couldn’t get results. There was a divine factor working against my will. I wanted to get results in His will, but His will didn’t want that to happen. That should have been enough to tell me my limitations. But its sad that a human is stubborn. After that, I was faced with another event in my life which yet showed another fact of this life: I wasn’t strong enough, and I loved things in the world. This disturbed me even more. Then faced even more loss, the probation came along… The fall came, and there was the scape goat event and the mind crushing natural disasters. I became a patient of panic and anxiety attacks. Then came 2006 and brought some peace with it. It has taken me two years to come to where I stand now. There was not a single moment in the past 3.5 years when I was not thing about death and going down in a grave. I was honest to myself. I hope I would be honest even after the magic pill… But then, I know the way to go, and I know that mind activity to determine big things is useless. But then, my thoughts came to be in synchronization with the nature. and that is the result of 3.5 years long hardship. But I survived, and at the end, it doesn’t look bad…
January 10, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk
I have been taking a pill for some time. Its for the mind breaking, soul crushing thoughts that go on in my mind. The thoughts which are my most prized possession, thoughts which make me who I am. But this pill takes these thoughts away from me. I don’t feel sad anymore. I don’t have panic attacks anymore. I feel so shallow. Yes, I want to be happy. But is there a another pill to take away the guilt for taking the first pill?
I feel ignorant. At this very moment, as I look at myself, I see a person without a culture. I am having fun, true! But I’m not used to feel like this most of the time. I have to feel deep, and I must not be depressed. Realities depress you.
I deserve happiness… Happiness is a feeling which I became totally unaware of in past 3.5 years. These 3.5 years have made me what I am today. Yesterday was a very strange day, when I actually wanted to eat something. I feel strange when I wake up in the middle of the night and all the dispirited thoughts don’t flash by. Its a different world now, where I don’t say: One day its all going to be over. I have been living dead for past years, and living is not my thing anymore.
Before the pill days, I used to look at Uncle Latif (will write more about him soon) and wonder if that was the best life one could have. Of course it is. A life without worries, small problems, huge characters! So why do I need to live with all the thoughts. What is the use of philosophies when you are one day going to die and your philosophies will fade in the thin air.
I feel so useless and helpless when I realize that all my larger than life thoughts can be dissolved by a small puissant pill. We are so damned bound by our humanly limitations. And mind processes are definitely not the way out. Its pure craziness which leads you toward freedom.
January 7, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Intellectual Talk
Children are taught how and what to do. They are also taught how and what to feel. I was not taught any of that. I was taught how to think. What to think was left up to me. My parents did a great job.
So here I am, free of all stereotypes. This is a difficult way to live however. Things which are supposed to be clouded by random thoughts come exposed and pierce through my eyes. For a moment, I am left speechless, sightless and numb. Then I choose to look away. But looking away is being a coward. I must look directly towards the sun.
My internal fight is whether to look or not towards the bright light which goes through you and burn you, turning you into gold. At one hand, gold looks charming. But then, God has His way of justice and He is good to coal bags too. So whats the point in turning into gold?
I cannot be gold, and I cannot be a coal bag. (Na mein moosa na firoan…) This is the dilemma which I talk about so often.
Someone asked me recently why there was so much emphasis on the word “crazy” in my about box. This is the answer.
January 2, 2008
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology
I am badly nostalgic for a past which I never experienced for myself.
December 20, 2007
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me
I have never been in love. I have second thoughts about my beliefs. I get anxiety attacks almost all the time. I love culture. I hate traditions. My mind is out of my control. I think about every damned thing. I hate that I am too damned intelligent. I think about the most undesirable things which will come to me in future. People cry for their dead. I cry for for my living, who are on their way out. When it will come, my eyes will stay dry. Nobody understands love better than me. Its too damned tough. Love is not for everyone. I want to love. I want to believe. I play around with my mind. When I am happy, I feel shallow. When I am depressed, I feel deep. I think about the next 40-50 years of my life, and I ask this question: How will I pull myself on for that long? Death is the road to awe.
December 13, 2007
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Beyond this World, Intellectual Talk
Its the fourth time I have opened this page to write something. Unlike usual, I have nothing in my mind.
The discussions here are useless. People don’t even get close to the meaning of things I say. I start feeling awkward when I talk to other people about things I write. They think they know me and have read each and every line of my palm, but they have absolutely no idea.
My actions don’t follow my thoughts. But then, my actions don’t feel that important anyway. I am once again returning to the same old place where I felt everything to be absolutely meaningless and artificial. I am once again feeling a need for a connection with the hereafter.
I don’t live in this world, and I have nothing to say to people who live here. Only people who feel that they belong somewhere else can understand what I say. So how can I say something meaningful about this world?
Maran tu aggay mar gaye bahoo, tan matlab nu paya hoo! (Kalam-e-Bahoo)
December 1, 2007
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me
For so many times, I have written, believing that this is the moment of change. My life would be different this point on. That however never happened. I simply cannot keep myself in a single state of mind for a long time. When I am deeply concerned about something, I make decisions. But soon enough, my guilt sets me free, and there I go again.
My problem is that I have to reflect about every damned moment of my life. So much thinking doesn’t let me concentrate at that one thing I should be doing all the time.
My guilt is like like a tide. It comes and goes all the time. But I think now there is a change. I don’t have these waves a lot now. Its because I have been through a lots of experiences of every kind. With time, I have came to know about my character limitations. My wrong doings are not anything new for me. They don’t cause a lots of stir inside me. I have come to a plateau now.
Sometimes I think if I will go down in soil with all these things. We live as if we are going to live for ever, that we have a lots of time to mend everything. But its going to go down anytime now.
November 13, 2007
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me, Beyond this World, Intellectual Talk
Behold the cursed ones!
Insight is the biggest curse upon a human. When you are able to see how things happen, the world falls apart. Everything becomes tasteless. You are not able to enjoy your instincts anymore. Still a part of you keeps wanting it. Thus a war begins inside you. The war brings out more facts about God and His inferior images, winding and stepping down gradually and coming down to the creation called this world, and ofcourse the human.
While the world becomes meaningless for you, the others around you look at you in religious and spiritual perspectives and while not understanding you even a bit, form strong opinions about you. A lot of people start holding you up in high esteem. They don’t realise that you are nothing but one of them, not a dime of difference.
While they uphold you in a holy manner, you become absolutely sick of this world. That is a holy dread!
July 20, 2007
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, Beyond this World, Intellectual Talk, Technical Jargon
Behold, this would be the craziest post on my blog!
I has these words titled on my blog for a long time:
Humans are just ink spots on the fabric of this universe. Every thread in the fabric represents a different trait. Some spots are small, some are large, some even grow a lot and become dominant on other spots. Some spots have well-defined boundries, others don’t. Some spots might actually be unique in shape and size, but ink spots is what they are. An ink spot can never ever realise what the endless and infinite fabric and its threads are all about.
~me AUG 29, 2006
I now think that this is not true unless you limit the statement to this physical world. Here is the thing: Most people believe that there are two worlds; this one and the hereafter. I believe that there are limitless worlds after this one. A human will keep transitioning from one to another continuously.
Ever wondered how they say that God is from the very beginning of things and will last till the very end. There is no definition of the beginning and there is no end. If that is so, then what happens to the concept of time?
To explain, I must use mathematical terms. Time is the independant variable of this physical world. Lets call it t. The world after this one has some other independant variable. A variable which we cannot interpret using our brain which is limited by physical laws. Lets call that variable X. Now t and X are orthogonal to each other.
Orthogonality just doesn’t mean a difference of 90 degrees in phase. It means that the basis vector of each world is unique and matually exclusive with just a single point of intersection with other basis vectors.
In other words, time implodes into X and X implodes into time. Here in this world, we can see time to be infinity. It has no known start and it will never come to an end. But X is a static parameter in this world. In the next world, X would be an infinite variable, and time would be static factor.
Ever wondered why they call the next world “la zaman”? (a place without time) Ever wondered how it was possible for Prophet PBUH to visit all of the worlds hereafter in absolutely no time? There is no time after this world!
Now there are not just two worlds. There are limitless worlds. And every world has an independant variable of its own. And all these variables are orthogonal to each other. God truly made an n dimensional system.
When I first heard that they derived the laws of algebra from Arabic philosophical literature, I was surprised. But now, it makes sense. 
These are the things which keep me up at night.
July 19, 2007
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, Beyond this World, Intellectual Talk
Humans are powerless creatures. They are governed by a set of rules, physical/biological laws they cannot bypass. At the same time, it is never certain that the causes will yield the expected results everytime! Humans try to create causes. Results are never totally predictable. Everything comes down to how God wants it to happen. This powerless-ness results in passive roles by humans, i.e. they are not important! Things where they do have a choice doesn’t make a difference after all.
Life thus becomes meaningless. You loose all your emotions. You become sad. At that time, you want to be like everyone else! You want to be a common man, with ambitions and desires. You want to want life. But that cannot happen easily. Returning to beastality requires ignoring the voice of honesty inside yourself. That is not possible for someone who lives by that voice.
Living with that brutal voice of truth and being happy at the same time! That is the puzzle of the moment in my life.
Let us see what God says. (Yes, He is there) He sent us guidance. He told us a lots of rules. He told us to do things which apparently don’t have a lots of logic attached to it. For example, consider what muslims do while performing Hajj. Circulating a big black house, running seven times between mountains, staying at a desert for a day… And He tells us that these things matter. Now consider the rules which He tells us. He gives us rules which govern even very minute and little things in our lives. He tells us rules of trade, talking, walking etc. These things bring me to this question: Why is God so concerned about little things in our lives? Humans and this world as a whole are meaningless! Why bother? Does God wants us to be interested in the meaningless jargon of this world?
Doing things without reasons is called belief. God tells us to do things without reason. That is why when people like me create reasons for things to happen, He keeps ruining their plans He wants us to ask Him for everything, not just depend upon the logic of things. Does that mean that God doesn’t want use to use our minds? or maybe He wants us to use our minds within a certain limit.
And so you have the intended role of a human. Be interested in life but follow all the rules. And look at me: I am not interested in life, and I question all of His rules. I think God often talks about very small things. He is God, He is the only one who really matters. Why doesn’t He stay away from petty things? If He is interested enough, then why shouldn’t I be interested in the small things?
These are the things which keep me up at night.
January 10, 2007
· Filed under A Day Flashes By..., Abnormal Psychology, Literary or Litterary?
Many times, when I’m leaving my work place to head for home, His time has started already. (For those who don’t know, I took the concept behind the last sentence from Masud Mufti’s short story Samay ka Bandhan)
So it happens that the Diocese of Lahore, a big church, is right across the street and a mosque is somewhere in the backdrop. (Ka’aba mere peechay hai, kaleesa mere aagay hai) Coming back to the point, when I come out of my office smetimes, the bells start to toll and azan is recited at the same time. (I said recited because azan these days is more of a ritual these days.)
So its a beautiful voice. Today it so happened that the bells started to tool at the same time as azan. The bells echoed and somehow seemed to go along with the verses of azan. It was something awesome to listen to; made my day really. This is your life!
See, in those beautiful moments, I just couldn’t keep myself from thinking about the low frequency noise from the ventilating units and generators of my office! This is my life!
When others think about beautiful things, I’m thinking about ugly stuff. I could have thought about a hundred other things at that time. E.g. The sounds could have lead me towards thinking how Islam and Christianity both have so much mystisism and spirituality etc. I could have thought about recording those sounds and making a little video about.. well I could have taken it in various directions. But no, I had to think the way which makes me what I am.
These are the low, ugly tones which make up all the tough realities of this world. Anyone can go off dreaming in the beautiful things. Dealing with realities my dear, are not an artist’s job. Its a job of a warrior.
January 4, 2007
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, Intellectual Talk
People like me have to analyse everything they see and experience. I need to go through the same event – no matter how trivial – over and over again, settle down its different bits into a framework, and draw results from it. And that is exactly why I hate to experience new things!
Then, there are these other people (my whining begins) who take top-down approach: they experience things, let their emotions and heart do all the work and the results they unconsciously obtain start to reflect in their personalities.
The results I draw are just words… some intellectual keel-o-kaal which doesn’t have a practical implementation unless I force it upon myself. And only if forcing worked… Well, since I am already tired of forcing things upon myself, I end up all alone.
October 13, 2006
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, About me
What do you wish for, when you think that life is worthless and this feeling grows each moment you live? I won’t say that I know the absolute reality of things, but that my version of reality is deep enough. Why do you do something? Because either you believe that its the right thing to do, or because its your instinctual call, or because your mind does a shitty analysis and tells you that its the right thing. Doing something in a certain direction doesn’t assure the results. God has strange ways of doing things! He lets us think up our own versions of the correct direction. He lets us decide our path. We decide stupid stuff, implement what we plan and at the end, it doesn’t happen! Then He has shown us a path too. That path requires belief. What kind of belief? The kind which cannot be shaken by logic and argument! Thats the whole point behind the word belief! It has nothing to do with logic! The path he gives us can be however described in terms of logic of all levels. But even if we follow what He tells us to do, results are still not assured. He wants us to do the thing because we believe, not because we want results. He creates a balance. How would God balance things in my life? I’m content with everything that is happening around me. I was content the moment I realised that all this doesn’t matter. Ofcourse I do wish sometimes that I was a blind fool and would lead a blind life. Here is my problem: I want to wish! I want to want stuff in life. I do stuff in life because my mind does a stupid analysis about happiness and tells me stuff to do! Stupid! Happiness has nothing to do with analysis! How do I free myself from my mind? There are two ways: One, I become a blind fool and set blind landmarks of happiness and kick my own ass fr the rest of my life to attain those goals. Second, God gives me belief. And yes, when it will happen, it will be absolutely reasonless and spontaneous. Our limited mind has nothing to do with what belief is… Belief is when you defy logic… and be perfectly fine with it… What am I now? A colorless person with a colorless life. Nothing can motivate me, make me ambitious and make me want it. I do stuff because thats what you are supposed to do in life. I don’t want to die either. Sometimes I think: Whats the idea of a good deed or a bad deed when God is there to do justice? He will deal everyone with justice! So lets just do whatever I feel like. But then, somethings are reasonless and you think that certain deeds are wrong. People do wrong all the time! They do wrong, they feel guilty, they say sorry to God and wake up happy next morning. I do what I think is wrong, I don’t feel guilty, I only become more convined about human nature, I don’t say sorry to God, I explain to the concerned person how I was being a pig and how that makes me an average person and then I sleep because thats what humans do: sleep! When I think whether or not my life is going the way it shuld, I end up thinkin: whats the right way to live this life anyway? I don’t know enough. Humans are just way too week and ignorant creatures I guess…
Note: I was appaled by the truth in this post. This post made me wonder why after figuring out that belief is the key to happiness, I still couldn’t find happiness. Even today, I believe belief to be the key. Why didn’t God guide me to the right path before? Did He want me to realize more stuff? Did He want me to solve all the logical problems underneath? I think it is not my job to figure out why… He does what He does. And we should do only what we are supposed to do: pray for happiness in ways prescribed by Him. (November 5, 2008)
September 21, 2006
· Filed under Abnormal Psychology, Intellectual Talk, Literary or Litterary?
I’ll like to quote a sentence from a short biography of Rafique Ghaznavi written by Saadat Hassan Mantu. He writes: “Dekhiye mein phir faruaat mein chala gaya. Mujhe asal mein faruaat se hi muhabbat hai. Mein zindagi ko bhi aik faruee cheez samajhta hoon.”
A loose translation can be: See I started superfluous talk again. Actually I love superfluous talk. I also consider life to be a superfluous thing.
Why did I quote it here? Because I went through a process of total recall and tried to sum up things I thought about in a past few years. At the end, there was one thing for sure: There is nothing in life which is all about happiness. Everything in the world ends at a tragedy and a human being is too weak when compared to the world around him.
A percentage of people reach this conclusion. Ofcourse different people reach it at different levels. Some think on a common moral level, some think on social values, some think on a psychological level, etc. The depth depends upon the assumptions you started out with. Yes, some stupid people think they have reached this conclusion when they get what they would describe as an emotional shock.
In this post, I am talking about people who reach this conclusion based upon their original thought. An original thinker starts out with biological facts and builds his thought upon them. Yes, that person is a full-time thinker whose conclusions are not based upon emotions at all! (Though the thought process itself might be initiated by an emotional event.)
If a person lives these facts about life, he will loose the ability to cheer himself up. He will loose the ability to live as a normal person. He will loose all ambitions and all emotions. Everything in life will loose its color. So what is it which keeps you living? Its these superfluous things! You know they are bullshit, and you know you don’t need to take them seriously, so you can go ahead and give your bruised mind some rest. People like Mr. Mantu know that a human’s weakness itself gives him the ability to take life non-seriously. What do people know what Mantu really is?! He was a great person and he is to be blamed partially for me turning out to be a mal-adjusted individual. 
A person who realises these facts and live them is a depressed person in ignorant terms. The ones who choose to ignore the facts and “go back to their lives” are cowards. But the one who realises the picture completely and knows how insignificant he is, and starts taking life non-seriously, is a wise person.
A case study: A person has an emotional setback, becomes depressed and makes up his own version of the absolute reality. He also tries to commit suicide. Fortunately he survives and now must keep his spirits high artificially to make sure he keeps living. This can be called a state of being a coward. However, the person doesn’t want to forget the facts either because the very method of being in high spirits require them to stand up and face the facts. So actually they are stuck. Good thing is to realise the bigger picture and look for freedom in submission.
If someone actually read all that, then bravo dude! Give me a comment to let me know about your thoughts.
