Small Things in Time

I’ve lately realized how bitter I’ve become. After all I have been through, I have finally set down a few rules. Then I see people who are living their lives just like I want to live, only that they do it without following any rules. They just have it naturally. Somehow, I want to make them realize how lucky and blessed they are by showing them more piercing and mind breaking sides of the picture. May be I’m just jealous of all those people.

This is in continuation to Ego.

My ego made me ask the question “How could I?”. Why did I ask this question? I asked this question because I had believed that I would never deviate. That belief was an essential part of my entire belief system at that time. Since the belief was now gone, I needed a way to explain the situation. Logic came in handy. Once I had logically determined “how could I”, I started finding reasons for other parts of my shaken belief system. Of course, even after my strict questions and scientific ways, the logic slowly but surely came to be in harmony with the belief system. Next part was putting back together the mirror which was broken. Wasif Ali Wasif says that once that mirror is broken,it is impossible to put it back together. Leaving my logical ways was hence a tough transition. It needed a miracle, and sarcastically, that miracle came with the completion of my logical arguments: The fine line between ego and guilt.

One finds peace in belief, the marvelous mirror. After such a long and tiresome journey, I’m back to the basics. But there is of course a change in my belief system: I am a human, and humans make mistakes.

There is nothing to be find in logic. The real secrets lay where belief goes. Oh man… There are some really strange blessings on me… Blessings, something which cannot be found with logic. This feels so good! Ecstasy all over! There is no perfectness like happiness. I said it when I was sad, but back then, I had no idea how it could be like.

“Expose yourself to situations where you ego hurts”, he said.

“Errr….”, I mumbled, surprised and confused.

He smiled, took a long breath, and closed his eyes for a while. I knew he was going to say something more. Then he said, “My father was in Bombay. He came out in a bazaar, and all the merchants and people in the bazaar stood up in his respect. It was as if a king had come out to his people. While he walked down the bazaar, he saw a vendor with a small stall. He went up to the stall, and toppled the stall upside down! The vendor got enraged and started to say disgraceful words. As the vendor continued with the verbal abuses, the disciples of my father, also started fuming. They tried to stop the vendor, but my father stopped them, and allowed the vendor to say whatever he wanted to say. When vendor stopped, my father asked for the amount of his financial loss, and payed double the amount.”

I looked at him in disbelief. Why would people who are custodians of the divine system do anything like that.

He continued: “When he got back to the place he was staying at, his disciples asked him why he did something like that. And he replied, “When I came out in the bazaar and everyone stood up, I had a shred of pride. That pride had to be eliminated.”"

That was eight years ago, when I was 16. I didn’t understand why he told the story to me, and why did I have to expose myself to situations like that. Honestly, I never understood it even after. Today, I realized it all in a flash.

Normal people either take joy in their deviant acts without guilt, or they feel guilty and try to change themselves. I still remember my disbelief after the bigb. “How could I?” “How can someone like me…” It was a hurt ego. For many months I stayed in that disbelief. All three things mixed up in one giant confusion, and I was lead to follow the path of logic… Today I discovered the fine line between guilt and ego. What I’d been calling guilt was more of a hurt ego.

I was honest to the level of cruelty. You know, you lie to people just to make them feel good. I never lied to myself even when I felt like shit. This reminds me of a sentence I say a lot, “Even if I’m not honest to people, I’m honest to myself”. That blade of truth ripped my ego apart like anything. My ego springs from a lots of things. Other than the way I was brought up, my socially aloof childhood was also another reason.

Today marks a very important milestone, the end of an era… And there is a lesson learned quite the hard way: Humans make mistakes.