Of all people I have ever known, I was the most observant. I saw and heard what other people couldn’t. Hence I said things which other people couldn’t say.

And today I prefer to stay quiet.

I haven’t seen it all, I haven’t heard it all. Hence I haven’t said it all either. But I don’t need to do. For the real meaning is lost in our senses. For the real meaning cannot be seen or heard, and hence it cannot be said out loud.

The nut and acorn of our being is so simple, cruel and luxurious.

The meaning of all meanings, the utmost of all wisdom is to remain quiet. Like the Tao philosophy says, “Fill their stomachs, empty their minds”. At the end, the highest level of wisdom is to take your mind out of the way of your heart.

Its not easy for someone who has lived by the voice of his mind his whole life. But then, isn’t it all worth it?

The real meaning cannot be said, for the real meaning is a feeling.

I remarked upon the days and nights of my life: On how things have become, on how I came to be like how I am today, and how powerless and opinionless I feel. I tried to think, but found it utterly useless. His grace had me speechless. I lost all motivation to analyze things. I was quiet, staring at the ceiling… That is when I realized that I was awake. Sleep slipped away seamlessly, and I couldn’t figure out when it was when I woke up.

I thought about days and nights of my life. I wanted to feel the pain of things that I have went through. But somehow I couldn’t feel grieved. The philosophical thoughts tried to pop back in as a matter of habit. But they seemed so totally irrelevant. The only fact of the world was that God is there. And He is doing what He wants. And I had nothing to say, no opinion to form and nothing to do in His matters. He is doing what He is doing. I feel absolutely no role in things He do. Somehow I have lost all feelings.

The only thing I wanted at that moment was God to look at me, and to watch everything that was happening.

I somehow no longer care about what happens to me, how things in my life become. God will do what He wants, and I can do nothing. So fine, let it be that way. I don’t have an opinion or a desire anymore. I am fine with whatever He does.

I read the Urdu version of the novel “Siddharta” back when I was 16 years old. It was an amazing story, and I was deeply fascinated by it. The word Siddhartha is made up of two words in the Sanskrit language, siddha (gotten) + artha (meaning or wealth). The two words together mean “one who has found meaning (of existence)” or “he who has attained his goals”.

God made me in a very strange way. I remember analyzing my actions when I was four years old!!! The voice inside me was always so strong and so loud that I forgot about everything else. This world has clouds of doubts and confusions, which make distinction between right and wrong very difficult. But the eye within was so conscious that it looked through everything.

I always regarded my exposure to philosophical, spiritual and literary personalities as the reason behind my apparently abnormal behavior. Now I realize that like Siddharta, nothing in my life was the real cause for anything. It was the madness inside which motivated me. And it gave me strength and courage to do what the rest of the world feard doing.

I have tried to analyze myself several times in order to figure out why times in my life became so extra-ordinary. I always searched for the answers in last 4-5 years. Then I went back yet another step to see what were the factors in my brought-up which contributed to these strange events. But now I realize that there was no reason. God simply made me like this. I was always destined to live a life of insight.

People are born with different potentials. During times of their lives, they realize their potentials and hence learn new things and experience new feelings. I guess I was always too aware of all my potentials. My awakenings came a bit too quick.

And here I am, at the same place where old men eventually stumble upon. I wrote a post called Ancient Mariner a long time ago. I was deeply fascinated by the concept of a mariner spending his life alone, away from the world, looking at the nature, asking questions and yet having a desire for good things of the world. I wrote in that post that I was nostalgic for a past which I never really experienced. That nostalgia was for the meanings behind things. Siddharta too became a mariner at the end of his journey. Apparently, I copied the term “ancient mariner” from an Iron Maiden track.

Here is Siddhartha at the end of his journey:

Slower, he walked along in his thoughts and asked himself: “But what is this, what you have sought to learn from teachings and from teachers, and what they, who have taught you much, were still unable to teach you?” And he found: “It was the self, the purpose and essence of which I sought to learn. It was the self, I wanted to free myself from, which I sought to overcome. But I was not able to overcome it, could only deceive it, could only flee from it, only hide from it. Truly, no thing in this world has kept my thoughts thus busy, as this my very own self, this mystery of me being alive, of me being one and being separated and isolated from all others, of me being Siddhartha! And there is no thing in this world I know less about than about me, about Siddhartha!”

But I looked right in the eye of myself. I didn’t try to deceive it. I let it go through me and above me. It pierced through my soul, but I let it, for the sake of truth, for the sake of honesty and goodness of heart. So here I am, with no more destinations in sight, with no more questions, no more confusions…

My life is a mystery. But its beautiful, and it gives me immense power and courage.

God says in a famous Hadis-e-Qudsi:

I was a Hidden Treasure and loved to be known. Therefore I created the Creation that I might be known.

Hence the very truth of this world lays in the desire to be known. One desires to be known by those who he loves. Hence God created the noor of Muhammad and Aal-e-Muhammad, whome He loved so much, and they were the first to know Him.

God wants a human to know Him, for He loves him so much. Human however doesn’t listen. Happiness of a human lays in listening to Him, so that the human can enjoy the happiness of being loved. Following His ways are a bliss for a human. But a human pays no attention.

God is just. He keeps calling the human towards himself with love. He calls a human in a way which is most desirable for a human, a way which makes a human happy.

When a human pays no attention, He gets very angry. But He doesn’t bring His wrath on the man, for He loves him. He is very patient. He is very forgiving. So He forgives a human for paying no attention, for a human is weak. And He calls upon the human again and keeps calling him. He wants the human to come to happiness that can only be found in His ways. He doesn’t want to deprive the human of the happiness in spite of all his mistakes. So He keeps calling the human towards Himself with love, and in ways which are most desirable for the human.

The man doesn’t listen because he cannot understand. Since God is so compassionate, He teaches a man His words, in easy terms, so that he can understand. God tells a human of how much He likes him. God tells human that He created him in the most perfect way. God tells human of His blessings on him. He tells him how He forgave him for his mistakes, for that is an utter blessing and compassion. God tells a human why His ways are the best ways. God doesn’t need to tell human all that. He does it only because He loves human so much, and He wants a human to know Him, and find happiness in His ways.

God also listens to a human. He asks human to talk to him. And He wants a human to talk to Him, for He loves him so much. So when a human talks to Him, He is very happy and He brings even more blessings on him.

He also warns, for His anger is as big as His love. He is patient and forgiving, but He is also strict at doing justice. He keeps a record of everything a human does, so that one day He can bring all of human’s acts in front of him. That day will be very hard for a human. He warns, since He doesn’t want to bring His wrath right away, for He is very compassionate.

He tells a human that if he will listen to Him, he will forever live in a life of comfort and happiness. He tells all these things to a human, so that a human might listen. If a human listens himself, God is very happy, and He sets a human free from all worries. He sets him free from all rules, for he listens to Him. However, if a human doesn’t listen to Him, he then brings rules upon a human, and orders him to follow them. God doesn’t like to order a human, for He is so compassionate. But His compassion also requires that He brings a human to the path of his own happiness. So when a human doesn’t understand, He orders him and give him rules. Its only when clear rules are broken is when He gets angry and bring His wrath to a human. But He also forgives him again, for a human is weak.

Human disappoints God. But God is very patient and just. So He gives human chances. And He gives him more and more understanding, still reaching out to him with love. Then God waits enough, so that there is enough reason to bring His wrath on a human. And when there is enough reason, He leaves a human on his own.

He warns that if a human does what He wants, He will give to the human, everything that he wants as well. But if he doesn’t do what He wants, He will leave him alone. He will leave a human on his own. And His indifference towards a human is His wrath, and its a wrath a human cannot endure. God is very compassionate, but he is also “be-nayaz“.

God created a human on His own way. He gave him emotions which belonged to Him.

For those who want to understand, there is great wisdom in things I say.

What if a wild beast from the jungle is lured into a cage? Not captured or forced, but lured in. The beast would assume that it is still in the jungle. It would try living by the rules of the jungle. It would slowly adapt the rules of the jungle to the cage. The beast would think it is free, and not locked up. What if one day, the beast looks at the cage bars, and realize that it is captured!!!??? That would be the most dreaded day in its life!

You know what kind of beasts are lured in, and not captured? The ones who are too difficult to capture. The capturers know that they cannot capture it right away, so they deceive it.

You know, there are yet another kind of beasts: The ones who were born in the cage. The cage is their only world, and they have no idea about what the jungle is. They are happy in the cage. They are free and bound at the same time. And they can never ever understand why the beast from the jungle is not happy in the cage.

And the beast from the jungle can understand how other beasts can be happy in the cage, but it can never ever approve of a life in a cage.

Its time for the beast from the jungle to break apart the cage, instead of adapting to the cage. Its time the beast becomes what it was destined to become. Its the time beast does something for itself rather than submitting to the cage.

Freedom is in the jungle. The beast can no longer delude itself into recreating the jungle within the cage.

In continuation to Me & You

The moment you felt my pain, the pain disappeared.

-Stinger

As many of the readers already knew, it was my nikah today. This is my first post after the nikah.

For a long time, I used to complain to God for creating me. Today, I thanked Him for creating me. And it was indeed a moment of deep satisfaction.

It is indeed impossible to praise Him the way He should be praised.

Since after around 24 hours, I’ll no longer be a single guy, I think I should write something. But I cannot really figure out what I should write.

The very nature of my current thought process requires that they should not be discussed. I really don’t have any philosophical problems any more. So no topic of writing there.

I could write about what I think about marriages and all. But then I don’t want to write anything serious. And then, refering to the paragraph above, I am not gonna talk about anything philosophical anyway.

What I can do is write about my emotions. But emotions cannot really be expressed in words. I can say that “I am happy” and that “I am satisfied”, but these sentences do not show the feelings of belief, and the strength of my conviction. These sentences also cannot express the remarkable fact that I have absolutely no doubt or confusion about this decision. I wouldn’t call it “my decision” because it was divine. Here I am, free from all worries and fears. I am more sure about the whole thing than I am sure about the sun rising from the East tomorrow morning.

Praise is for Allah, who made the man in a beautiful way. He made everyone differently. He instills desires in a human, and then grants them to him so that he can be happy and content. His blessings cannot be matched. He makes a human confident and sure about His ways and blessings. Shaitan becomes jealous and tries to confuse the man. The man becomes uncertain about the truth, looses his conviction, falls into wrongdoings and replaces happiness with fear. The man becomes anxious, and looses respect in his own eyes. But Allah still opens up a way for Him. He asks the human to ask for His help, for His help leads the human back in happiness and contentment.

How can I have any doubts? How can I be double-minded? The evil is not unknown to me. I know it when it tries to shake me. But the nature is prevelent. Nature has a clear voice. The evil speaks in jumbled up whispers. How can I be confused when I can distinct the two voices so well. How can I be afraid when the grand caretaker is there. And we ask for His help to lead us on the beautiful path that He made for us, and to save us from the one who gets jealous.

Say welcome to Mrs. Stinger.

Need I say more?

You know how you associate different songs/tracks with different times in your life? I’ll give a few examples.

• I associate “Riders on the Storm” with my last semester at GIKI because me and Abbas used to roam around the campus in his car with this track on.
• I associate “Ku baku phel gai” by Mehdi Hasan with Summer 2003.
• I associate Stone Cold Steve Austin’s enterance theme with misty cold mornings because back in second semester at GIKI, I used to have that track as my morning wake-up alaram and those winters at GIKI were particularly quiet and misty.
• I associate “Around the World” with how cool GIKI was, since it was played at the first weekend movie night I attended at GIKI.
• I associate “Fade to Black” with my sixth semester at GIKI since that semester, I didn’t talk with anyone at all. I was stuck in some strange mind games back then.

You get the idea. I tend to associate tracks for different times in my life.

The particular one I am interested in right now is this: I associate duets featuring Udit Narayan and Alka Yagnik with travelling in desi vans/buses. These are those overloaded, smelly buses which travel from equally smelly “lari adda” at Lahore. Somehow, those buses always have these duets on. That being said, I must also mention that I’m not a fan of these duets at all!

Now here is the dilemma. I now need to associate these tracks somewhere else. That also includes getting myself to actually like these songs. Can the term “facing the music” explain my dilemma? o_O

I am a guy who looks at things with a great level of detail. That results in even smallest of things bothering me. But then, I believe that decisions in my life weren’t really my own decisions. Some decisions are simply divine. With whatever that may seem to be a trouble, I return to the fact that Allah made this decision for my happiness. With whatever that poses to be a threat to my happiness, I no longer believe in taking steps consciously. Allah is there, and He takes care of things for me.

This holds true for all aspects of life. The music thing was just a funny and trivial case.

Therefore, I don’t need to assert, convince or dictate anybody for anything. I set everyone free because I set myself free. Freedom of course, comes from Allah.

Azadi taqwa mein hai, jo har halakat se nijat deta hai.

- Hazrat Ali

So the point is: Don’t worry.

I just wrote the following as a comment on the blog of a patriot American:

Americans fought a war of independence a few hundred years ago. The philosophy of freedom which came with it made America great. But now America is more like their old English emperors themselves. American self-centered lifestyle reflects that of Nazis’ nationalist imperialism. The economic and cultural destruction of the world and American people themselves is worse than economic an cultural destruction of Socialism portrayed by the American TV.

These people are in an absolute denial. They defy their own roots all the time.

I don’t blame the American people. They have been brainwashed. They have been programmed to act in a certain way which is most favorable for their corporates. But they need to wake up.

Burning bodies (of both sides) is the biggest sign God (Christian or Jew or Muslim one) can give you, to tell you that you need to wake up.

Please don’t stereotype me. Don’t make my words irrelevant by saying that this is conspiracy theory shit or anti-American hatred. Just read my words, evaluate for yourself if my words reflect the reality or not. And then do the right thing.

Americans are less than 5% of world’s population, and they consume more than 25% of world’s resources. Actions you take matter.

“My teacher has told me to drink Complan”, the little boy argued.

“Why don’t you drink plain milk?” Asks his dad.

“But no!” the boy exclaimed with both request and anger, “I drank Complan and it was very tasty”.

“So what if its tasty” said his mother, “Its not really good for your health despite what your teacher has told you.”

“No, no, no” boy with tears in his eyes, “You mix it in milk, and then put in sugar, and then you boil it on the stove, and then it becomes okay. And it is very tasty.”

“Okay, okay, we will get it on our way home.” said the dad.

“That shop on the corner sells it, we can get it from there.” a little happy and satisfied voice said.

I had listened to the conversation and kept it in my memory.

Today, I was in a deep riddle. I have had riddles before, but there was always a way forward. By logical reasoning, I had always been able to know the right way. Today, I came to a dead end. It wasn’t because my logic wasn’t good enough. It was because the solution to the riddle itself required using no logic. But how can one know that he is doing the right thing if he doesn’t use logic? The solution required ultimate trust in God, as much to make sure that I would not feel the need for a logical analysis. Trust of course, cannot be gained with logic. I needed trust to trust Him more. The paradox had me stuck.

And then the conversation above popped up in my mind.

I realized that my relation with God was analogical to that child’s relationship with his parents. I will argue on things which are wrong. I will use my “complan+sugar+milk+boiling” logic with absolute certainty. I will even argue against what God tells me because I don’t understand what He says. But as long as I request Him, and stick with Him, He doesn’t care about things that I don’t understand. He holds my happiness above my sanity. He will delay the lessons for a later time. He is a lot more gentle than parents are to their children. All He cares about is my happiness. Slowly, He will bring me to the right way.

All one needs to do sometimes is just doing what you feel like doing, with the sense of security that God is looking over in every possible way. This gives one the peace and freedom that he yearns.

The only evil is vanity, which dares to provide an alternate caretaker. The only caretaker is God.

My philosophies are my vanity, as they try to provide me with what God is best at giving me. A new life called complan+sugar+milk+boiling awaits me.

I started this blog in September 2006. Back then, I combined my “about me” from Orkut and wrote a few additional lines to create an “about me” page. I called it jh101 under the notion that I am some complex guy which nobody can understand easily.

By the grace of God, things have changed a lot.

Just to show the change, here is my latest “about me” on orkut:

About me in a few hundred words? Am I a line product of some kind? What’s next? Should I also come with a product manual and a standard operating procedure? Should I quote a cost for myself? Is this about me a method for acquisition of statistical data for market economy and capitalism?

Consider blank…

And here is the old “about me” page, just for the record:

Hi, my name is dilemma. This is an introduction to what lays behind the name.A human is just another of the flock, trying to prove all the time that he is unique: an attempt in vain! I do that, you do that, everyone else does that.

Jaffar Hussain that people know of is just my brainchild. He in reality is totaly meaningless, just like humans are meaningless conception of God.

People who know me, remember me for different reasons. For some, I am just another wierdo they happen to see, to you I may be: a manipulative hypocrite, a mannerless jerk, a stubborn and lazy network admin, a lousy writer, pseudo-intellectual, a person who peeps in life of others (peeping tom? but sadly there is no Lady Godiva :p), a computer geek, a hardcore techie, a cyber gaming alchoholoic, an all-nighter insomnic, a hippy, an anti-social, anti-sports, wiered taste of music, a reasonless argument maker, freak out on small things, strange ideas/preferences about life and blah blah blah. You are all wrong!

One thing you fail to realise is that I become your reflection. Yes there is an absolute me, but who…?

Nobody really knows… not even myself… Words can describe logic, logic doesn’t explain all there is. There are sheep, there are goats… Once you enter the goat realm, the things fall apart. The obvious realities reveal and life becomes tasteless. The sheep enjoy life and remain satisfied. The great dilemma of mankind begins! What if logic can one day explain belief? Won’t all the goats become sheep then? Well then I was a sheep who became a goat and then became a sheep again.

If you couldn’t understand that, don’t bother either.

But then sometimes, things take a way around sense… and you come to realise that reason is just one thread in the fabric… Dilemma and confusion prevails… and you realise that your will doesn’t matter in the grand model of… well this world and countless worlds after…

And so one says: Life is not a big deal… Just laugh it away! and believe! I’m one of those who are worshiped after they are dead… or not…

EDIT @ NOV 12, 2006: Dilemma no more… Things are more clear to me now than they were ever before. The rule as it went before was: Clearer it gets, more painful and mechanical it becomes. This time, even this rule was broken. There is a new way which is based upon greater realisations and still holds all the aesthetics and sophistications of a human heart.

A new “about me” page will soon be in place.

Indifference to the evil around oneself is goodness of heart. Indifference to the evil within oneself is ignorance.

Today, people try to know the evil that surrounds them, and ignore the evil within themselves.

When I think of riddles in my life, I find it impossible that any other human being could be free from such thoughts. How can people not think the things I think?

Alas, we are drowning in this sea of irrelevance which has erased distinction between nature and evil.

Every human is born on nature. Every human wants to be happy. Pursuit of happiness is the only common ground among people of this world. Unfortunately, people don’t always know what makes them truly happy. When people can’t find answers easily, they tend to buy ideas from others. Therefore, when humans don’t know what happiness is, they become highly manipulatable.

Evil will never present itself as your enemy. It will try to become your best friend. It will provide you with a definition of happiness best suited for its sinister purposes. Since happiness is the most important thing for everyone, you will direct all your efforts towards achieving the happiness as defined by the evil. You will of course never feel completely happy, because the definition of happiness was never correct.

You have to define happiness by yourself. I cannot define it for you, but I can tell you how you need to think to be able to define happiness: Is there a voice inside you which isn’t satisfied with a certain thing in your life? Listen to that voice. It will lead you to happiness.

Note: Its a shame that I have to start from the nut and acorn of the human being. Humans have been programmed to such a degree that no word of advice from generations of wise men seem relevant to the modern world anymore.

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture . . . In short, Orwell feared that what we hate will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we love will ruin us.

—Neil Postman

The quote is wonderful. But I disclaim complete adherence to Aldous Huxley’s philosophy, since he was associated with the Darwin’s school of thought. The quote should be read in its current context, and not expanded to cover all of Huxley’s ideas.

This local corporate believes in burning down all three of Quaid’s principles:

The phone rings. An unfamiliar number shows up on the screen.

“Hi, this is XYZ from XYZ bank, how are you doing Sir?” the phone barked.

“Fine” I said coldly.

“Sir, we have noticed that while you are paying your monthly minimum amount, you are not using your card for new transactions” the corporate brightness shrieked through the phone.

“Well I had a pay raise so now I use more cash” I interrupted him with my cold tone.

“Oh, well if you have more salary now, we can give you a limit increase” oh so benevolent chirping sound…

“Nope, its just that I don’t plan using your card much” I said mockingly.

“Why is that Sir?” confused he was, “Are you not satisfied with our service?”

“Well if you want to know, I am not” I sure was rude, “Every month, I end up paying almost 50% markup, when your marketing campaigns give a different impression. I have realized that credit cards are of no help.”

“Sir, I am sorry that you are disturbed, but we charge according to the terms and conditions which you agreed while signing up” he said politely.

“I am not blaming you dear” I said firmly.

“Alright sir, whenever you want any help, we are here for you” he knew he had to give up, “Allah Hafiz”.

“Bye” I hung up.

A few months back, when I had almost replenished the limit of my credit card, the same bank was keeping me on my toes. Every month, almost all of my salary was paid back to the banking system. Almost 50% of my bill amount contributed towards the markup. Since I didn’t have any cash, I ended up buying more on the credit card. And not to mention lack of consideration in budgeting and spending, because well, I had a credit card…

Then I knew that things had to change. And they did! If things go well, I plan to cancel all my credit cards in 3 months time. And things will go well. The nature is prevalent.

The banking systems employ a lots of mathematics and prediction models to calculate different markup percentages of different products for different income groups. These banks prototype you, and other corporates manufacturing consumer goods come to their aid. The whole central banking system is there to ultimately protect the commercial and investment banks on cost of unemployment and rise in food prices.

Why can’t people see? Why can’t people hear? And why can’t people speak out?

My primary school teachers used innovative ways of punishing students. When we were in grade 4 or 5, if a student would perform badly in a quiz, the teacher would send him off to sit in a grade 1 classroom for a while. The shame of a big boy sitting with first graders was worse than any other punishment.

I never got that punishment since I was a stellar student in my school days.

Many years laters in college, I had different interests and pre-occupations. I got an ‘F’ in Solid State Electronics in sixth semester. I was at home when I got the result. It was the first – and the last – ‘F’ of my academic carrer. I was disturbed. That night, I saw in a dream that I was sitting in a grade one classroom…

That semester, Dr. Khasan Karimov (a Russian scholar) taught Solid State Electronics, and was the only teacher in my academic career to fail me.

“Someone has finally evaluated me correctly” I thought, “He is the one worthy to be my final year project advisor”.

So in our seventh semester, I chose Dr. Khasan Karimov – the only teacher to ever fail me – as my project advisor.